Just Ask Joyce: “How can I reignite my boring marriage?”

Q: “I feel ashamed, but I am restless in my marriage. My husband and I have been married for 17 years, and we just seem to have settled for boring. We love our children and neither of us would consider divorce, but my heart is longing for more. Everything he does irritates me, and I’m sure I agitate him. I obviously need to redirect my thoughts, but where do I begin?”

Joyce: King Solomon once said, “A wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.”

I believe you are a wise woman to have followed your heart in seeking advice. Your marriage is an easy fix, but it will take work on your part initially. The labor will be a mental exercise that should lead you to more physical involvement in order to reignite your marriage.

In my quick assessment, what your marriage needs is love. It’s easy to be stimulated and fulfilled when you love the one you’re with. It’s time for a heart-to-heart “take” on yourself. Here’s where you should begin:

• Take stock of where you were 17 years ago today. Make a list of the qualities you found attractive about your husband when you met him. He likely still possesses many of them. More likely than not, the same flaws that irritate you now were discounted by you then. Recall your favorite songs, the memories you accumulated, the passion that was hot and electrifying, and the tenderness that melded you as one. Those remember-when moments can replenish what united you two in the beginning.
• Take a look at your children and imagine life without them now. No other combination could have created those kids the two of you adore. They are a blend of not only your DNA but also your history. The memories you have enjoyed as a family can never be shared by anyone else. You can speak of highlights of a particular event, but all the details, the emotions, and the watermark of memories are uniquely yours as a family. To blemish those imprints of your legacy by allowing love to grow boring and stale could negatively alter your children’s ideology of family. Those kinds of effects don’t happen in divorced families only.
• Take assessment of your future without your husband. What if he didn’t return home tonight? It happens. Every day. Where would your heart be should you lose him? Evaluating the great loss in yours and your children’s lives will tenderize your heart. I’m not detecting coldness in your tone, so I’m confident there would be quite the void in your home without his presence. It’s something to consider.
• Take charge of your marriage and decide you will revive it. Yes, you. Often people feel it is up to their spouse to adjust, change, or rejuvenate. You can only control your actions. Making some tweaks to your attitude could greatly improve the environment in your home.
• Take your sex life to a new level. A husband will settle to have his needs met, but to have his wife engage in the initiation, the creativity, and the performance in the bedroom is far more fulfilling to him and her. The euphoric feeling will infuse both of you and revive your spirit for commitment to your marriage.

If romance is to return to your marriage, you will need to revisit the love bank. Recalling the reasons you fell in love with your husband, appreciating those the two of you have created through your love, and being creative in how you romance him now and in the future will take your marriage from boring to soaring.

Change your life … NOW! Write Joyce Oglesby, Family-Life Fitness Pro™, at joyce@justaskjoyce.com. I’m here to help! Check out my books and other resources today at JustAskJoyce.com. Like me on Facebook, follow me on Twitter, and get connected to great family nourishing ideas!